Yeah, I Said That… But Let Me Explain.

11 May

Ok, let me kill the rumors and the assumptions first.

No, it’s not because of a guy

No, it’s not so I can have sex

No, it’s not because I can’t handle it

As I stated before, I love ASY, I love being single, I love what this year is doing for me.  BUT, it’s becoming a circus. Lately the focal point has moved from my journey and growth, to what I’m doing or not doing that may point to signs of cheating or becoming weak.

Naturally, I’m going to like people, naturally I’m going to hang out with people or dance in the club. But I’m learning that single is not only defined in the physical, but it’s also a mind state.

The first five months, I did the right thing by cutting it all off – physical, mental and emotional. I’ve been thinking the clearest I’ve ever been and it was refreshing to not have a relationship/man worry or concern these past few months.

But here’s what I’m finding out…

  1. I’m not made to be famous (no I’m not famous)… but if having your every tweet, move and friend under a microscope is a taste of that life…. It ain’t for me. So the MediaTakeOut squad can miss me with all of that. If I’m in Starbucks, it’s probably because I want coffee, not because I’m on a date. If I don’t disclose my whereabouts it’s probably because it’s none of your business. Not because I’m having sex.  If I hang out with the same Friend more than others, doesn’t mean we’re in some secret relationship. It just means we relate and we’re just friends. And if I say I’m horny, it’s probably because I’m horny and doesn’t mean I will lose my will power in the next 30 seconds.
  2. Heterosexuals need heterosexual activity in their lives. I’m constantly hearing people tell me they’re doing the same thing I’m doing but not by choice. Ok so you’re not having sex… but have you gone on a date? Have you let a man buy you dinner or drinks? Have you allowed yourself to get to know someone (even if it ended before you had sex)… then no, you’re not doing the same thing as me.
  3. Interactions with the opposite sex are a necessity (something I honestly thought I could live without. Stupid me). No I don’t NEED a man (not right now anyway)… but I do need that interaction, about as much as I need food and water. We all do. Why do you think I broke down and kissed Jersey?? I’m depriving myself of not only sex, but attention and affection as well. I went the first half of my life without sex, but I’ve never gone without feeding myself that attention so to speak. None of us have.

So here’s what’s going to happen:

  1. No regrets AT ALL, for the first 5 months. Like I said, I got clarity like no other. BUT, this starving myself stuff has got to stop.
  2. So sorry to say, I AM STILL SINGLE… and plan on staying that way until December 31, 2011. No sex, limited dates, but absolutely no serious dating or relationships.  I will dance with who I want, talk to who I want, hangout with who I want and go see a movie with who I want.  Hell, I MIGHT even kiss someone if I wanted to!
  3. Trust me, I don’t plan to make this statement and go on a date tonight. I am actually wishing to remain on the same course I’ve been on just without all of the pressure and scrutiny. (a mind game with myself I guess).

ASY has been my husband and we’ve been in an exclusive relationship. However, I’m feeling smothered and a bit overwhelmed. We’re not getting a divorce, but I will be sleeping in the guest room while we attend couples therapy.

So by no means am I ‘single and ready to mingle’

Does that make sense??

And definitely miss me with all of that “go hard of go home” stuff. In the end, this is my project and I can do what I want right?

So yes. I quit ASY as you all know it. BUT, I’m still single for the year… by choice.

Ok, slander away. I’m ready.

ASY Is Bringing Out The Crazies

3 May

Wowwww. It’s been a minute! But contrary to the rumors you’ve heard, ASY is still definitely going strong! April is over! Shout out to @Kozza and his April rules. I barely made it through!

Anywho… I decided to make this blog a video update.

So here’s what you missed:

What should I do about these extra guys that are using me for their 15 minutes or for their ego?

Back To Not Being Concerned About Anyone That Has A Penis

12 Apr

I had three months of peace. Three months of not getting the butterflies, the nerves or the tangled webs of frustration in my stomach all because of a guy. It was actually an amazing feeling to be man-related stress and nerve free for that long. So amazing, I didn’t realize how good I had it until last week. Until my dealings with Jersey and trying to figure out how we will co-exist within the rules of ASY, but also without hostility and resentment. Ironing out our kinks made me realize how much I was enjoying life without the guy drama.

The votes are in and the majority of you have shown your support. A Single Year will continue on (from here. I will not be starting over) and the rules, including the April rules, are still in effect.

For some reason, since the flood gates opened and the man-related stress came back from Jersey, two other situations have popped up this week that have me eagerly in my phone, going back and forth over text messages and dreading the feeling when the responses aren’t what I expect.

It’s time for me to close those gates back up and get back to not being concerned about anyone that has a penis. ASY is back in full swing and I plan to carry out this entire year.

Jersey and I are finally on a good page, a page that doesn’t threaten this year or our friendship.

Who knew, allowing a man to get me rattled, would make me realize what great things ASY was doing in my life so far.

#NowPlaying No More Drama- Mary J. Blige

Everything happens for a reason.

NEW POLL: Is A Single Year Over?

4 Apr

Yes. I cheated. Let’s go ahead and get that out of the way. In case you missed it, I kissed Jersey. We were accidentally reunited last week and all of my will power went out the window. Three months of ASY accomplishments down the drain!

After polling my Board of Trustees: The solutions fall in:

  1. It’s over, go out and have sex
  2. Start the year over from April 1, 2011- April 1, 2012
  3. Continue on with consequences

Since the beginning, I felt like I was in a marriage. ASY is my husband (and essentially, myself) and even though I may look, wonder and fantasize; my commitment was with someone else and I had defied him (me) emotionally and physically.

Which tells me two things: If I can’t be faithful in a commitment to myself, I’m certainly not ready to be committed to anyone else.

And two, I got into something way over my head, but I’m not a quitter.

Three months in and I LOVE what this experience has done for me. It’s indescribable, so I know I’m not ready to give this feeling up yet!

This weekend, I was watching Sex and the City DVDs, specifically season six. On the very last episode, after Carrie and Big reunited in Paris, she closes out the series by saying:

“…the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all, is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the ‘you’ you love, well that’s just fabulous.”

Through out my dating career, I have never been alone. This is new territory to me. I’m forced to deal with and get to know myself. I’m not willing to trade sex for this experience. Not yet anyway.

To start over would be suicide. I may like what I’m going through, but I’m not asking for this to be any longer than planned.

As far as consequences, I would cautiously consider the terms – I guess like the wife who cheated and has to sleep on the couch until further notice.

Yes, I slipped up, but in my honesty, learning and remorse, I feel that if I can forgive myself then that’s all that matters.

Now when I set the rules in December, I did not imagine the agony I’d be going through three months later. I’ve literally starved myself of something that I’ve never known how to live without. Affection. No sex, I can survive. No touching, hugs, forehead kisses, cuddling and male companionship? Impossible.

I have agreed to finish out April with the new rules, but I haven’t quite decided what I will do about Jersey or about the rules after April.

But what I do know is, you wouldn’t believe me if I said I made it an entire year without giving into temptation, or that I was perfect in all areas of singledom.

Even a drug addict quitting cold turkey can’t do it in an environment full of drugs. I’m sure if you placed me into a padded room for a year this blog would be boring and non-existent.

I refuse to not be honest about this year, but with my honesty everyone would have to understand that I’ve never gone through this before and I’m flying totally blind!

So while I have hand-picked my Board for this exact reason and I love each and every one of them for their input, I’m very curious to see what my readers think. Please take the new poll and comment. I want to know your opinion on this situation!

Can I move on from this or is A Single Year really over?

Reunited With Jersey

1 Apr

Boyyy do I have a story for you! It’s a long one, so wait until you have a coffee break or a need reading material in the bathroom lol.

Remember when Jersey broke up with me during my Single Year? Well I have definitely been missing him ever since. Even tweeting about it!

He told me we couldn’t talk anymore because my ASY situation wasn’t fair to him. It hurt but all I could do at that point was respect his wishes. That was February 10th, we hadn’t talked since.

Every time I go out, I always secretly turn every corner hoping to see him. If I couldn’t call him, running into him by chance was my next best bet. It’s been almost 2 months and I’ve seen all of his friends out, but never him.

Last night at the Miguel concert at S.O.B’s, my guard was down as I was walking toward the bar. Then out of nowhere, the crowed parted and there he was. Jersey. I blinked my eyes a couple of times to make sure I wasn’t imagining it (like I’ve done so many times before). It was him. Our eyes locked and even though I couldn’t hear him, I watched his bottom jaw drop as he mouthed the word “wow.”

Of all the nights, it was raining,  I looked a mess and would rather this meeting happen on any other night than that one.

Immediately I searched my brain for the words I told myself I would say when I saw him again. Nothing. So I just walked over and hugged him. A tight hug. A couple of moments into my hug, I noticed that his hug wasn’t as tight or eager as mine. It didn’t say ‘I miss you’ or ‘I’m so glad to see you’ like mine did. I said in his ear, “give me a real hug.” He told me no.

This is where my imaginary reunion ended. He wasn’t as welcoming as I hopped. I just stared at him speechless. Did he miss me? Did he break up with me that day and forget about me the next? I hadn’t crossed his mind at all in two months?? I felt embarrassed and defeated and I wanted to just go away and never go back to that side of the club for the rest of the night.

But I realized. We really had something special. I mean if it weren’t for ASY, I would probably be in a relationship with this guy right now. There was no way I was going to wait this long and just walk away because he rejected me AGAIN.

The entire night went like a video game struggling to get to the next level of getting him back into my life.

I stood next to him, and I grabbed his arm. I waited a couple of seconds and realized that he didn’t make me move so I had a little hope. We stood there and watched the show. I was grinning from ear to ear. Probably the most I’ve smiled in a while.

I probably jumped too soon and ruined the moment when I asked what he was doing after the show. I was hoping he was going to say nothing, and then I would suggest that we go somewhere and talk. But he named a couple of places he and friend were going. I told him I needed to talk to him, outside of the club and he told me No again!

I kicked myself for ruining my perfectly ignorantly bliss moment of just holding his arm and enjoying being there with him.

By the second half of the show, I just couldn’t let it sit any longer. I asked him why he was so unreceptive of our reunion. It was killing me! So of course the conversation got heated.

Bottom line. He thinks I all of a sudden miss him and what to talk to him so bad because I accidentally bumped into him. And I can see how he would think all of that, BUT… he has no idea how I’ve waited two months for this moment. And as much as I said it, he just wasn’t hearing it. I couldn’t get past level one of the mission to get him back in my life.

Maybe I didn’t fight for him hard enough. Maybe he feels like that day he told me we shouldn’t talk anymore that I took it and checked out. But I really felt like I tried to talk him out of it. But it was one of those “Can’t have your cake and eat it too,” situations. I couldn’t ask him to be my friend when we knew there were more feelings. And I certainly couldn’t ask him to wait a whole year for me. I figured he would call if he wanted to, but other than that, the ball was no longer in my court.

But aside from ‘us,’ there was so much I wanted to talk to him about and in the club with Miguel singing wasn’t the place to do it.

I asked to come along to the next spot with him. He told me no again. I figured I gave up the fight too easy before, so I was willing to go until I couldn’t go anymore this time. I stayed on his arm for the rest of the show. Miguel went off, the DJ came on and the crowed started clearing out. But Jersey and I were still standing there arguing about the same thing over and over.

“I want to talk”

“No you don’t you made your decision about us”

“I didn’t choose the blog over you, I chose the blog of a relationship with you”

Apparently he felt they went hand in hand. But still not willing to talk to me about it. I tagged along with him all the way out the door, standing outside talking to people then to his car. He opened the driver door, his friend hopped in the front seat and I stood in the rain for the moment that was going to make or break us for good.

He looked at me for a second then said, “get in.”

I was so happy because it meant that there was still hope, that he didn’t hate and resent me as much as he was letting off. I made it to level 2.

We made it to the next spot. If I had to party until the sun came up I would if it meant getting a quiet moment with him to finally talk. The more time I spent around him the more he seemed to be letting his guard down. I still wasn’t getting the real hug I initially wanted, but he was letting me stand a little closer and once he even grabbed my waist for a brief moment. A small insignificant gesture, but it was like finding the source of extra power in a video game right before you die and get hit with the “game over” message.

I decided not to bring up what went wrong with us anymore and just to enjoy the moment. Clearly he was enjoying my company so I was confident I was going to get my chance on the soapbox. I just had to be patient. The night finally came to an end. We dropped his friend off at home. And then there were two.

I asked him if we could talk. He said ‘Not Yet’. It wasn’t No, so I took it. A Few blocks later he let me get it all out.

I told him what has been going on in my life for the past two months, how much I was actually thinking about and missing him. Just completely unloaded. He listened. No comments, no feedback, no arguing. Just listened.

Since we were downtown I told him he didn’t have to go 100 blocks out of his way to bring me home. He didn’t say anything and headed uptown. Which meant he wanted to talk some more. Level 3.

Almost uptown, he suddenly pulled the car over. I looked around and realized I wasn’t anywhere near my house or any trains I needed to get the rest of the way home. I asked him if he was about to put me out the car. He turned of the headlights and said that he couldn’t drive and focus on what I was saying.

So we sat on E. 83rd and 3rd while I ran down all of the emotions inside of me. I kept talking. His silence started making me nervous. So I just kept talking. I repeated some things over in different words, but I realized I was the only one talking.

I asked him what he was thinking and he pulled me closer to him and hugged me. He gave me the hug that I wanted when I first saw him. That real hug I asked him for.  I melted in his arms and wished that moment could be frozen forever. I was kind of funny because Nicki Minaj- Moment For Life was playing on the radio at the time. Weird right?

I leaned out of the hug, kissed his cheek and hugged him again. Next, he leaned out of the hug and kissed my lips. I knew it was coming, but I couldn’t stop it. That kiss touched every nerve in my body and I just couldn’t stop. I broke a huge ASY rule but I’m human and it was so worth it considering how we started the night. Finally. Level 4.

By the time we got to my building, I asked him what it all meant and if we could be friends again. He asked if everything I told him was true and that I wasn’t playing games with him. I told him, my feelings were true and that I wanted him back in life, but I was still going through with ASY.

He wanted more time to talk but it was too late to do it last night so we said we would try again this weekend. No kissing. I promise.

All in all, not giving up when he tried to push me away was definitely worth it. But I did all the talking. I know there are some emotions and feelings, even bad ones, bottled up inside of him. I kind of want him to be able to just let loose on me. If he wants to fuss and curse me out, I want to hear it! Maybe that will happen in the next time I see him.

I can’t believe last night happened. I almost was scared to hit him up today thinking that all of it would have been some horrible April Fool’s joke. So far, so good though 🙂 Game Defeated. I hope.

Should I have gone all out of getting him back or did I just set myself and Jersey up for disappointment again?

New Rules For April By @Kozza

31 Mar

So last month, my friend Kozza said my ASY Rules were too easy. I agreed to let him tweek them as he saw fit for the month of April. I had no say or objections to his new rules and promised to agree in advance to accept them. Needless to say, when I read them over, I was a bit nervous when I saw that I can’t even hug guys when I greet them, or wear short dresses or… well you can read them for yourself. Let’s just say this will be interesting. In addition, Kozza will be on the Board of Trustees for the month of April to see his rules are properly followed.

Rule amendments for the month of April. Kozza said:

OLD FOOLISH RULE-> If associate treats me (Nicole) to an outing, (lunch, dinner, movies etc.) I can only accept if I’m comfortably sure that they aren’t treating it as an investment to something more. (Example, Buy the dinner, get the sex)
NEW RULE -> NOPE! No way, no how. No gets to see the Wizard of Oz. We cutting that shit out. None of this. No lunches, brunches, dinners, movies, scooter rides, mini golfing expeditions BLAH BLAH BLAHs. For the month of April, there will be none of this. Nicole cannot acceptany of these delicious treats from males nor females in the month of April. It smells too much like a date. Boom.

OLD WIGGIDY WACK RULE–> I (Nicole) can accept drinks, conversation and contact information. But before the initial conversation is over, I must make it clear that I am not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship. (Mentioning this blog is not required unless it’s an exceptional circumstance).
NEW RULE –> NOPE- None of this. There will be no acceptance of drinks in the month of April. It’s either gonna be a really dry month (double entendre…get it?) or Miss Hardesty is gonna be breaking bread out her own pocket, BOOM! Dudes too often think that a drink bought means they getting the buns…no go.

NEW RULE-> Emotional connections with males over the phone will cease for the month of April. Phone conversations with males that are not business related will be timed and have to end after the set duration
Of 7 MINS.

NEW RULE-> Absolutely, positively, absolutely no masturbation nor physical pleasuring of any kind with any instrument or appendages will be allowed for the month of April…at all. When showering, let not one finger, linger.

NEW RULE-> When greeting male friends and associates, there will be no hugs or kisses allowed… Hand shakes, daps, high fives, head nods and bird calls will have to suffice for the month of April.

NEW RULE-> Excessively tight dresses, skirts & shirts will have to be put in the closet for April. The girls will not be out this month. No tan on the tatas this time, ta-ta (goodbye). Cleavage & curves are not kosher in this quadrant. That extra button that chicks like to leave unbutton, will be buttoned up for this month. The anti thesis of the Pussycat Doll ‘Loosen Up My Buttons’. If its tight, keep it in the closet.

P.S. That twitter pic Nicole has up needs to be changed…additionally provocative pics can’t be posted during the month…all provacative pics on the internet already & scattered around FB, YouPorn & BangBros can stay up.

Yes, Kozza is insane, but I will humor him for the month of April.
ready. set. go.

But really… Were my original rules that bad/easy?

I Don’t Even Want To Have Sex Anymore

23 Mar

A Single Year is killing my sex drive! I’ve noticed lately that I haven’t been getting sexual urges or even having to result to my ‘Me Time’ at all. Certain things aren’t turning me on like they used to and I’ve just become sexually neutral in my day-to-day life.

I guess this is good because it drives me a little less crazy not being able to really seek out a man to fulfill these needs. But I’m at the point where pleasing myself isn’t even needed anymore.


Last night, I realized that I hadn’t had an ounce of sexual feelings run through my body in about three weeks. Am I over the hump of being sexually frustrated? Was there even a hump? Or will the urges return?

What about when this year is over? Am I sexually doomed for the rest of my life???

Ok, maybe I’m reaching. But even though I’ve gone longer without actually having sex, I was still always filled with sexual feelings and emotions. Lately – nothing.

Admitingly, I’ve been focused on other things recently and I have finally pushed men and dating alllll the way out of my mind, but I feel that my sexuality has left with it and now it’s a void.

Losing men I can handle, losing a feeling that’s a part of me? Not so much.

I’m going through some serious emotional changes during this Single Year that I can’t even explain just yet. So lets just say of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my Sexuality the most.

Should I be worried?

 

 

 

We’re Not Disney Princesses-They’re Not Prince Charming

10 Mar

Part 1 of 2:

I spent last weekend watching old Disney movies. Not sure why, but I watched all of them. Watching these fairy tales unfold as kids was so exciting and liberating of thinking that my life would be like that when I grew up.

But then watching them as an adult, I think I would like to give Disney Princesses a portion of the blame in why we as women are so messed up when it comes to relationships and what our “happily ever after” should look like.

Keep an open mind in this post and let’s look past the fact that all of these stories end up in “happily ever after” like so many fabricated movies and stories do.

We all remember Cinderella, the universal rags to riches story. This poor child loses her father and is sentenced to a lifetime of servitude and being treated like trash leaving her to talk to her only friends, mice. The first thing that rubs me the wrong way about her is she accepts that life. She seems sad but content and doesn’t show any sign of putting forth any effort for a different life. But when the opportunity comes to meet her prince, she’s balls to the wall, hustling to finish house chores AND making her dress in time just to go to the party for the chance to meet Prince Charming. Where is that effort and desire when it comes to changing her daily unhappy life? She’s got it in her when it comes to the possibility of meeting a man. Just like the ghetto bird that works at the local Dollar General feeling sorry for her life but doing nothing to change it, until she spends the last of her paycheck on a freakum dress to hit the club in hopes of catching a baller to save her from herself.

 

Little Mermaid is definitely one of my favorite Disney movies. I think it’s the music that gets me. But Ariel is the most selfish of all Disney princesses. She fell in love with a world and a man she didn’t know. She got bored with her life and sold her soul, voice and family for a new one. Sure we all disobeyed our fathers when we were younger, but she literally chose a man over her family – over her father who adored her and only ever wanted to protect her. Her wide-eyed ambitions of the unknown drove her away from her family and I just can’t support that. As kids we watch this movie and think it’s ok to go against our parents and everything we’ve known to nurture us on a leap of faith for love. That our parents are just trying to hold us back so it’s ok to break free. It’s like meeting a guy on Match.com, falling in love with his profile and everything he seems to be, then moving all the way to Norway to be with him because he had a few pictures of him standing next to a Lamborghini. No ma’am.

But nothing says, I’m lazy like Sleeping Beauty. This thing! She got to literally take a nap until her Prince Charming came. Doesn’t matter how she got there, spell, curse or whatever… When we saw this movies as kids the message is, even if you’re sleeping, you’re Prince Charming will come. Now I guess I identify with this somewhat. I certainly am a strong believer in “Don’t Look.” I appreciate guys and relationships more if I accidentally acquire them, not the ones that I go to the clubs looking for. So true, the Prince came to her. But the fairytale suggests that it’s that easy. She didn’t have to live life, prove she was smart, or even go on a first date. She just had to wait. This was my least favorite Disney movie for obvious reasons. And When have you ever known a kiss to break a spell? In real life, kisses give you herpes!

Don’t think it’s just the Disney chics leading bad examples. Aladdin was a fool too. Jasmine is totally irrelevant in this story. Aladdin is another rags to riches story. At one point, all he dreamed of was being rich and living in a palace. Not making a difference, not getting a job, not falling in love and starting a family. Just being rich. Your 2011 Hustler, if you will. Once he met Princess Jasmine and realized she was royalty, he in turn did some stupid things in the name of “love.” But I still believe in the back of his mind he knew that winning the girl meant winning the fortune… Dudes can be gold diggers too. He found his easy way out. His suga mama.

We’re entirely too busy waiting for that happily every after. We date men and expect them to be Prince Charming. We expect the grand gestures and the climaxes and the story to brag to our friends and tell our grand children about. Our first impressions of life (kid friendly movies) were “this is what happens to your love life when you’re older”… it’s what we wait for. It’s what we try to mimic. Either we think that if we stick it out in our sucky lives, the Prince will come rescue us, or we think turning our back on everything we know for a cute smile and a promise is love.

But… When men prove to be less than Prince Charming from our childhoods, then we react. For years, we know what ‘happily ever after’ looks like the we react when things aren’t working out that way.

What do you mean you are seeing other people? Prince Charming wouldn’t even dance with anyone else at the ball!

When did you start wanting to hang out with your friends more than me? Prince Eric dove into the sea after Ariel leaving his friends on a burning ship.

And you really can’t hold my hand in public? The Prince kissed Snow White in front of seven dudes, but you can’t hold my hand on a street full of strangers?

I’ve definitely come to the realization that I am just as guilty at this way of thinking as everyone else.  But how do you unthink something you’ve known for 20+ years?

These apparently are the things I think about when I’m not thinking about dating.

Let’s call this ‘A Single Year Revelation’ – dating, love and relationship expectations shouldn’t come from Disney, it should come from real life.

I’ll elaborate more and finish my Disney movie reviews in Part II

But for right now, are women subconsciously starting every new relationship thinking she’s a Disney Princess?

 

Guest Blogger: HE AIN’T YOUR FRIEND!

10 Mar

*My He Can’t Just Be Friends With The Opposite Sex post inspired this post by Kimmie Tubre*

Kimmie says:

Through my adult, and part of my late teen life, I have come across several women who say, “I don’t really have any girl friends” or “I just prefer hanging around men.” I’m sure you have heard this as well. But the question that stampedes through my brain every time I hear this is, “why?”

Why do these women think that they can form a realistic bound with a group of men?

Men:
They fart, belch, scratch their behinds, all of which they have no queries with doing in public. They also, cheat on and hurt us, sometimes with no remorse, on a daily basis.

Now, before you go on, I must say, I am no male basher. As a matter of fact I love me some men! Some times men are my biggest downfall, and my friends can definitely vouch for that. And yes I have a wonderful daddy and brothers that I love as well.

But my point in this note is the baffling notion that many women out there seem to feel more comfortable with hanging with a group of men rather than a group of women. Of course, we may be catty at times, and yes sometimes we will talk about you behind your back, and yes we do, at times, get jealous of each other; but one thing she will always do right is know exactly where you are coming from, and that my friend, a man wont ever be able to do.

Not even your dad understands you. Trust me, he doesn’t!

And if knowing that I personally have a wonderful group of girlfriends isn’t enough for you to see why it’s silly for women to say, “I prefer hanging around men,” then these few words may help you out: HE AIN’T YOUR FRIEND. And if he didn’t wishfully think that one day you will break down and sleep with him, guess what, he wouldn’t even be around you! And when he brings you around his boys guess what they ask him, “dawg you ain’t hit that yet?” And when he gets in the shower and thinks about you, he reaches down and…. okay okay, I may be going too far! But you know it’s the truth.

Now, I will finally hop off of my soapbox for the day. Hope I didn’t offend anyone, but if I did, it’s okay because I have that freedom to clear my mind, and that’s exactly what I just did!

Love you guys!
Kimmie…..

Do you agree with Kimmie or can Men and Women really just be Friends?

I’m Catching Feelings For Him…

3 Mar

Ok, so I promised to keep this year as honest as possible. I didn’t expect this to happen so soon, but I am falling for someone. He’s the most least expected and noticing my feelings grow for him this past week kind of shocked me.

Remember the friend that I had the sex talk with in the Let’s Talk About Sex post? Wellllllll… I guess as unimportant as I made the person and the feelings seem, I was wrong.

He officially needs a name. I will call him The Friend. (now added to The Plot Thickens)

So, last night I went to a VH1 Screening event with Chris and Nile (on my Board of Trustees)… I pretty much hovered around them the entire night to keep myself from being concerned with the men around and more importantly to use them as Man Repellant. And it worked. That is until The Friend spotted me and began sending those texts that make me smile.

He called me baby girl and told me I looked great. I felt like I was cheating on ASY by smiling and being moved by his words. I managed to sneak away from Chris and Nile momentarily to speak to him and thank him in person for the compliment.

We had one of those hugs that lasted a little too long and held on little too tight.

We’ve discussed our feelings before but agreed (or I agreed) they should be suppressed, for this year at least, if we wanted our friendship to last. Our interaction was short but cherished before I went back to find my man guards. We texted throughout the night and threw glances across the room often.

Whenever we happened to pass each other, I didn’t hesitate to grab his hand and let my finger slide all the way down his until the distance made us separate.

The secrecy made me feel like we’re having a forbidden affair. But isn’t it?

Of course our friendship is more important to me than anything else, but I really can’t stop thinking about how things would be if it weren’t for ASY. Would we have ever had that sexually stimulating conversation? Would I have ever discovered these feelings? Or are these feelings from a heightened sense of need for male attention?

I’ve known him for months before ASY and he’s a pretty important friend in NYC. So voluntarily putting him out of my life isn’t an option. Our lives are too intertwined anyway.

But how do you maintain a friendship with a forbidden lover?